So, tonight I finally broke down. It’s 4 am now, 2 hours after it but I still feel like crap. I guess I really have been repressing so many feelings. I started crying and it was horrible. I kept thinking that I’d gotten better. That I could stop caring about stuff again and move one without caring about the things I’m leaving behind. But last night…wow, I didn’t think I’d have another episode like that. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or anything. But I really need to get this out na because I have no idea if you’ll get the stuff I asked someone to give you or if you’ll just throw them away because I wouldn’t really blame you if you did.
Anyway, I don’t know what else to say at this point because I don’t know what’s happening. Not gonna lie. The past few weeks have been the most painful part of my stay here in college. I’m already missing everyone. I’m already feeling the social distance. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant myself but whenever I see you…it just hurts. There’s this twinge in my heart that reminds me of something Iost. Something that I long to get back. And all I can do is try to keep my feelings in check because if I don’t, I don’t know how far I’m going to spiral this time. I really do miss you. I miss hanging out with you and it hurts that the more I think about it, the more I feel like you don’t feel the same. I get that we’re in different places now - I’m graduating and you’ve got council now.
Honestly, I’m really envious of the people at council. You’ve been through so much with them that you care so much about them now. It’s exactly how I used to feel about you when we went through that thing with DJ and then after I had that crisis with Bianca. I’m really envious of the people you get to talk to because whenever I see you with them, it all seems so easy. Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t kissed you. I wish I hadn’t taken that step that ultimately led to our ruin. I wish that we hadn’t gotten together because maybe then, we could have stayed friends. Things wouldn’t have gotten weird between us. I wouldn’t have had all those expectations about what I thought a relationship would be like. We wouldn’t have gone through all that crap in 2nd sem. I just wish we could hang out like we used to.
But at this point, it might be too late. I know you hate me. You hate me so much that you don’t even care that I’m leaving na. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you just feel like it’s okay to let me go now without even saying goodbye. Maybe you’re just uncomfortable around me. So uncomfortable that you can’t even look at me when we talk or trust me enough to tell me how your day really went or what’s going on in your personal life. I don’t know because I don’t know what it is you’re feeling anymore.
One of the things I valued most about our friendship was how we could always be utterly honest with each other. Remember what we went through with DJ? How we hated that he was never honest with how he felt to the point that even though we knew something was wrong, he still wouldn’t say? I treasured our friendship because you weren’t like that. It was why I felt compelled to show that I really did feel something more than friendship for you even though you might reject me or hate me - because I wanted to be honest with you. It was why I valued how you told me the truth about how you didn’t want to be together anymore. It was why I felt the need to tell you that I needed to back off for a while last December - because you deserved the truth because that’s why I thought our friendship was based on. It was why I vowed to stay with you until the very end, no matter what happened - that I’d never be the first to leave. I understand why you didn’t want to tell me about council or whoever your new beau is. I understood why you couldn’t share the things that happened in it. But…I just wish I knew how you felt about our friendship now.
I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again like we’re used to. You’re worth it, Fred. I know you are. But I’m so…tired now. So tired of reaching out. Of never being sure. Of wondering whether or not you still cared about me. But please know that I’ll always treasure our time together and I’ll always remember it. I want to be able to look back on our past and remember you as one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. One of the strongest people who I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
You were my first best friend, my first kiss (not counting kindergarten), my first boyfriend, my first everything. I’m sorry if it’s so hard for me to get over you but…you’re special to me. So much so that I was willing to go through all that pain and uncertainty for you, if it meant being with you.
If you ever do get that gift…it’s your choice what you want to do with it. A symbol of an unbreakable bond. You could keep the keychain, perhaps as a memory or as a promise that we’ll be friends again someday. You could give it away to someone who you feel like is going to mean so much to you the way you meant to me. Or you could throw it away. Whatever you choose, I’ll understand.
Fred, I’ll always be here for you. I’m always just a text or a call or a message away. I’m not holding any grudge. I’m not angry. I’m not disappointed. And, oddly enough, I don’t feel sad anymore. Not like I used to be. Because you deserve more than to be remembered through those feelings. You made me happier than I ever thought I could be. For a brief moment in time, I felt like I wasn’t alone. I felt like nothing anyone said mattered - not my other friends, not my family, not even myself. You gave me the best year of my life and I will treasure it always. I’ll always be here for you. Even if you decide to throw away that wayfinder, you’ll always be in my heart. Until my dying day.